I had this realization yesterday,
the last day of 2017, that I was indeed spending the day similar to how I had spent the entire past year. I woke up, burned breakfast, threw on clothes and ran to the mall to try to find something to wear to the NYE party I was going to, left with pajamas and fishnets, ran home hungry and running late to a family dinner, showed up late to dinner and left early to shower and get ready to drive to LA.
No reflections. No ritual.
The years prior to this, actually for all of my twenties, I always took time for myself on New Years Eve. It was typical for me to gather with mentors, close friends, or lovers to set intention, meditate, and melt into ritual. An evening where I journaled and spent my evening in the bath or dining somewhere low key. I spent so much time in my twenties creating an identity where everything I did was based around creating better health and balance in my life. And I did this because I no longer wanted to suffer the way I had for years and years. There was no end in sight to my suffering for most of those years, and I had pretty much resolved that my life was going to be torture until it was over.
And it took me 6 years of this to realize that there was much more to healing than a regimented order of operations I read on Mind Body Green or Goop.
When I moved to Orange County 11 years ago (the bougier bordering county to the city in the foothills where I grew up), my mom was like a broken record over the years reminding me not to forget where I came from. Reminding me not to get caught up in the superficial attitudes of those areas etc. And to be honest, it is really hard not to be tempted by the luxurious mood and feeling that was so tightly woven into the yoga community and was honestly so foreign to me but also very alluring. The expensive organic grocery stores with parking lots full of temperamental yogis driving BMWs lol. Oddly enough, the health food and the new-age 'spiritual' communities are EXTRA present visually in LA and OC. I was like, hello ghetto bitch from Riverside, this is your new life. And it felt like honey. At first. It also felt like the answer to all the trauma I carried, because everyone I met in these circle was healing emotionally or physically in some capacity. Until I realized that the actual scene was an entire vibration of perpetual healing.
At the point in which I realized there was a heavy component to my transformation that was solely based on releasing the fear I had of my own power, I realized just how toxic many of these circles had become for me.
And in 2017, I became so fucking annoyed at the ethical imbalance in what I saw going on, whether it be the fact that we see an entire community of rich white Los Angeles women as the face of herbalism, spirituality, and indigenous ritual on social media, or a whole entire community of people struggling indefinitely with health problems whilst playing the role of healer... meanwhile I can literally feel the imbalance within these people so viscerally.
A new found way to ignore our own difficult task of healing: a never ending discussion about how the fuck we're gonna do it and of course, cliques and the whole wellness industry to further convolute a deeply inward path.
YOU GUYS, I promise you that your most valuable healing will be supplied:
1. By internal dialogue with yourself. People will honestly do anything to avoid facing their own soul, remember that.
2. By wellness professionals who keep their physical and energetic space clear. Not an easy one to come by. Be wise here.
I have never been good at faking the funk. I tried guys... and I felt gross. The truth is that my authenticity, and my realness when it comes to faith and connection are blended into the complexity that is, me.
I have found myself in a stream of connectivity receiving clear signs and angel numbers whilst living a life, by the standard of this LA wellness clique, that was utter white trash, sis.