Healing the Emotional to Transform the Physical
Posted Feb 28, 2016 by Veronica Janik
I’ve recently reached a fascinating stage in my healing journey. It feels like the rock bottom before the breakthrough. Everything is in place and I finally feel clear and strong enough to begin dealing with the underlying emotional components of healing my body from chronic illness.
I recently read Jessica Flanigan of aiplifestyle.com’s piece on her blog about women who have been following the autoimmune paleo protocol for a year and have hit a wall in their healing. I cried through the end of the piece because I feel like so many women are in that space and for me personally, it just really resonated. Although I’m blessed to have practitioners who all believe in a comprehensive approach to healing, I was sort of resisting that portion, or taking having to deal with my emotional wounds less seriously. Even though I’ve known I had to unpack some boxes in my mind, I felt like dealing with my more “physical” issues seemed more primary.
I’m still undecided if I should have begun trying to do the deep emotional work more consistently over this past year and a half because I feel like my body needed to be re-mineralized and sort of get re-stocked with nutrients to even have the strength to go there.
Even then, going there is such a vague confusing place. What exactly do I need to release and move through? I think this task has just felt insurmountable through these years that I’ve struggled with my health. I find myself thinking, “I don’t even know all the shit I have buried inside of myself.” I know my life well enough to know it’s there, just what exactly are the things holding me back? What is the root of what’s ailing me on an emotional level? On a physical level my infections and malfunctions are clear: Mercury toxicity, EBV, and some badly burned out adrenals.
So, over the past few weeks I’ve had sign after sign urging me to address this. So I made a sort of pact with my guides to start meditating one to two times per day, ideally morning and evening. I had an intuition about finally beginning acupuncture, so I decided to listen and made my appointment the next morning. After the first two weeks of appointments, I had a few days that I literally felt better than I have in years. Energy, strength, all of it! I was excited but also panicked. What the hell do you do when you actually get what you want? Needless to say after a few days I began feeling bad again.
On Sunday I went to go see one of my trusted mentors in Los Angeles. I told her that I wanted to figure out the underlying cause of my issues. That I knew I needed to begin working on the emotional part of my wellness. We did a crystal cleanse and she asked me to think back to the first time I remembered that I started feeling ill. In a flash, the memory of months of a stress related stomach illness when I was about 9 came to me. My body knew exactly where my beliefs about my health and wellbeing were from. Where I had stored fear, unmet expectations, and the worst, the belief that I’d never feel good. The days following I had several memories surface and I really started to see that many of the beliefs I hold about myself and my body are extremely outdated; beliefs and fears I developed as a child. It has been both fascinating and sort of exhausting to navigate this information.
So today, when I went in for acupuncture I talked for a little while before my treatment about what I can do with these surfacing emotions. I’ve been on a spiritual path for some time now, is it necessary I keep digging or will these things natural dissolve over time? His answer was very apt; he said that sometimes the past will just begin to dissipate if we take action to move fully into the new version of ourselves. Once we take on that new role there won’t be a reason to keep going back there and it will slowly over time dissolve. I felt very moved by this. How much of my identity is based on feeling ill because it’s been going on for so damn long? Who is the Veronica beyond feeling shitty all the time?? I need to spend some time with her.
This is all what I’ll be thinking about as I work through this new space of healing. On a side note, I mailed out my Porphyrins test this morning to see if the heavy metals in my system are lessening with treatment. When I have my results in a few weeks I plan to share a little more on my experiences with mercury toxicity. Until then, I’ll be meditating, feeling all the feelings, and visualizing the version of Veronica I’d like to move fully into. Of course, the real magic will come when I have the courage to actually move into her!