“I prayed in meditation every day and asked for what I wanted: My health, a path to joy, and to be surrounded by people who wanted me to heal”
I was always a good student. I was the straight A student that skipped class. I was the girl that never read the book but led the class discussion. School has always been a cornerstone to my identity. Naturally, the day I finally graduated college, I suffered a massive panic attack, couldn’t eat, and almost fainted on stage. Please, laugh. I have to every time I remember this sad day. My family came to my graduation, and after pleading with them to not have a “get together” (for fear of more anxiety) we settled on a quick lunch. David and I went to the beach for a few hours and then let it all go. Finished the day, and moved on… Five miserable grueling years and it was… just done. As a philosophy major, my existential crisis was mounting.
As if the shock of 18 years of institutional education being over wasn’t enough, David and I made the decision to break away from the company we had formerly been a part of with my sister. My heart was broken by the rift business had caused between my only sister (who at the time, was 7 months pregnant) and I.
With every intention to continue working for myself with David, I put all of my efforts into creating my new company in the summer of 2014; thus, the birth of Source Succulents.
The Emotional is The Physical
In June I began to have small muscle spasms in my legs and arms. By July I began having a kind of fatigue that hit me like a wave and sucked the air out of my body. I felt like I could hardly keep my head up, my heartbeat felt slow, my eyes burned. This was not just “tired.” I went to my family doctor and he tested me for autoimmune disease, arthritis, thyroid disease, and just about everything you could think of. I began having muscle pain in my legs, arms, and feet. My joints throbbed and I could not stand for long periods of time.
All of my tests returned normal.
“You know your body, and your intuition is a divine gift, use it!”
With my history of anxiety, no one took me seriously, including my family doctor. With a potential Fibromyalgia diagnosis, pending the pain lasted 3 more months, my entire family scoffed at the prospect. ‘This has got to stop,” my mother would say. “You need to do more,” or “You have too much time on your hands.” I was in so much pain and so exhausted I could hardly do much. I spent most of my time trying to convince my mother I was doing enough, almost in an attempt to convince myself. I practiced mantras, exercised self-care, ate impeccably (so I thought), and did a TON of research.
What I found again and again in my research was that functional medicine was the way to go for these so-called “incurable diagnosis” such as Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I found that I likely had some type of underlying infection that needed to be addressed. Rather than allow the dis-ease to continue, I took action. When something happens that is more terrifying than anything your anxiety prone nature could ever conjure, you see what you’re really made of! There is some misunderstanding that doctors are “all-knowing.” Um, HELL NO. Be your own advocate!! You know your body, and your intuition is a divine gift, use it!
In this time, I returned to my old therapist, a remarkable woman and an old soul who incorporates a lot of spirituality into her approach. With her, I have done a lot of trauma release work and around that time I had the urge to call her after about one year of not seeing her.
I did sessions with her that changed my life that summer and early Fall. The regression and release work I did rapidly shifted my power back to me, almost overnight. This was a crucial step for me because through this time I felt incredibly helpless, but this is incredibly ironic because I have never been so magnetic in my life. I prayed in meditation every day and asked for what I wanted: My health, a path to joy, and to be surrounded by people who wanted me to heal.
Quickly, things started to change. Movement started. My requests were being arranged, they just did not look exactly how I thought they would. My relationship with my mother got nasty. We argued, grew tired of each other, and created a house full of tension. Instead of growing small around her, I began to grow angry. So, she asked me to leave, to move out, and so I did.
“My comfort zone exploded and I just had to go with it”
That happened early Fall 2014 and my company had launched one-month prior. I had less than $1,000 to my name. For me, this was scary shit. My comfort zone exploded and I just had to go with it.
Without question, David opened the doors to his home for me. Thankfully, his parents and grandmother were happy to have me. My health was a disaster and my biggest secret. I spent most days in bed and was panicked about how I would get my new business up and running and pay my bills.
I remember the therapy appointment I made with my mentor as all of this was happening. I was devastated, deflated, and so incredibly scared. That day, we did a session that changed my life. I regressed quickly into the still point and began rapidly releasing memories. As my hour session approached it’s close, she whispered that she’d like me to stay an extra hour. I accepted and maintained depth in the trance. She continued to guide me and memories began to surface from my first abortion (not my second). This seemed strange, because I always felt my second was much more traumatic. As Avis guided me through my unresolved grief, she invited me to connect with the soul of my baby. She guided me through my vision of my daughter and helped me form a connection, a bond, and find closure. My vision of her was truly healing. She guided me through an “attachment formation” to allow both souls peace.
Any skeptic can psychoanalyze my experience; I don’t care. I left that office with peace in my heart for the first time in 5 years.
I left her office that day and drove straight to David’s house instead of back home. I never went back home except to pack the last of my things and explain to my family that I needed to take some time for myself and would need space to do that.
My Birth Right: Radiance
So, when I left home for the final time in the Fall of 2014, it was the hardest thing I ever did. I cut the cord, the co-dependence, the toxicity, the needing, and the disappointment, ALL out of my life. There was no space for it.
I had become ill and my body literally demanded I STOP and re-assess what was happening to me mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. My body was crying for me to listen, so I did with all my heart.
The truth is, family or not, these people were literally draining me. Through that time I lacked the ability to have them in my life and establish appropriate boundaries, so I choose to not have them in my life. Once I was able to establish boundaries I felt comfortable with and create stability for myself to even have the energy for the relationship, despite their judgments or considerations, I reopened lines of communication. Until then, that is what loving myself looked like.
My first and only obligation is to my self. To break the cycle for my own children, I have to deal with me, first. When I wake up in the morning, no amount of family or friends makes feeling like shit worth it to me.
Navigating my way through this major part of my healing has been very telling about my own strength. I prayed for an adequate doctor who would understand me as a whole, and I found Glen Depke. He understood right away that I had Adrenal dysfunction and began testing for various infections. After finding flatlined cortisol levels, a GI infection, and mercury toxicity, I knew he had a feel for what was happening with me. In 6 months, I combined his protocol, and my bravery and have come a very long way. Keep in mind, years of damage can sometimes require years of healing. I’m totally okay with this, and actually incredibly excited to be alive for the first time in a very long time.
“I surrounded myself with love, or should I say, the universe did”
I surrounded myself with love, or should I say, the universe did. Everything I asked for, I received. My business has grown, I have developed and strengthened bonds with my father, my best friends, and David’s family members. My health has turned around and I have found bliss in whole food living, non toxic products, connecting with the earth, and seeking joy. I have begun re-defining Veronica Diane Janik without any heavily imposed expectations and it feels like, warm yellow light. My quarter life crisis has touched down, and at 24, I am paving my life with happiness and authenticity.
When my first mentor, Katerina, did my Tantric Numerology for the first time in 2011 she told me, “You are a Radiant Goddess. Your Path of 3 is “The Empress,” and all of the 10s in your chart stand for Radiance. You have been here many times. You are here to play and master. You must live your life with Royal Courage.”
I will never forget it.
Part 4 of a 4 Part Series sharing honesty, vulnerability, healing and the birth of Bright Radiance.